a page turned

Today I'm thinking about not having anymore babies, and how sad I feel about it.

First though, I am grateful. Grateful to have been able to make little babies. To have had pregnancies that I recall loving, even if my husband says otherwise. He also tells me I hate winter, even though I know I love it! Just because I don't like being cold, and I get VERY cold, doesn't mean I don't like the snow, the hot chocolate, the sweaters, the mukluks, oh, and Christmas, because winter means Christmas...ok wait, we're talking babies. 
 I am most grateful for healthy children, children who are curious, who have legs to walk on, who wear dirty shirts and a smile (did you catch that?) who look up to me and who I can nurture. I am grateful for a husband who is the best co-parent I could have ever asked for, I have a school aged son and have yet to make a school lunch, what a guy.

But, no more babies. It's a part of my life that I need to grieve. I've been taking care of a baby for six years now, I feel like a pro. Give me a crying baby, and I'll put it to sleep, it's my specialty. My babies have always filled up my love tank. I think God designed them that way. When my four year old is peeing on the floor, or screaming for one of the many reasons that a four year old could scream for, all I need is my baby, they gaze into your eyes, they snuggle up, they are SO soft, and you are the most important person in their world...awww, calm again. It's my own little time-out...that has to be sort of in secret, I wouldn't want my four year old to think that her peeing on the floor doesn't make me coo for her also. It is a sad, not really, but today it is for me, reality that babies turn into kids. I know I'll settle into that too, but first I have to get used to doing it without a baby to snuggle. 

So goodbye to may babies who will sleep anywhere because you're so little all you need is a pair of arms. Goodbye to the sounds of those first precious coos, to playing with your ever so tiny fingers and toes, and to smelling the top of your head every chance I could get. Goodbye to having a big belly that I was always so proud to show off, and to day dreaming about what the little face inside would look like when we first met.
I am excited however, that this is just a chapter ended, and, that the book goes on, and the love tank still gets filled. I am excited to play board games, to take family road trips, for you all to love and then hate and then love each other again.

 

These are my babies, they're growing up so fast,  it's a treasure to watch, but I am going to miss these days for sure.